Monday, June 9, 2008

April Fool's Resolution


You should also stop here if you're: easily offended, gender-sensitive, or weak in
regards to your opinion of me (which, by the way, is none of my business).

(Consider this the equivalent of the Haunted Forest in "The Wizard of Oz." I'D TURN BACK IF I WERE YOU).

April Fool's Resolution
i've made a resolution to hereafter
make all my resolutions on April Fool's Day,
which makes perfect sense, because,
most people who make resolutions
know it's an April Fool's game, because
they have no intention on keeping them . . .
and even the best of them
seldom even survive through March.
but, this April, i made a resolution
that's final. that's right, i'm
giving up sex. Oh, don't look at me
that way . . . like any other male, i
suffer from testosterone, but
sex hasn't done anything for me
but distract me from the Muse, and she
can be one jealous bitch. She demands
most of my attention, and her company
is entertaining . . . no, i'm not complaining,
i rather like it this way. But when a
twenty-first century male stands up
and openly resolves to give up sex,
people wonder why, so, caveat lector
and auditor, let me lay it out for you:
the modern thing is to "embrace your sexuality,"
which is easy if you've been given a choice,
but a big piece of radioactive ore
has been buried in my past, and
it really screws up my personal navigation system,
so pardon me if i steer right clear . . .
what happened to me wasn't something i chose,
a bitter fruit of a tree i wasn't ready to taste, and
asking me to embrace that
is like asking me to go to bed with a monster.
Not all the booze and zoloft in the world
seemed to be enough to keep it in the past,
that motherfucker was buried alive.
Every encounter with it since then
is another radioactive exposure, and
sooner or later that stuff starts to sink in,
and speaking of which, is THIS sinking in?
Don't hand me that line about "you just need
to get LAID," for the record, i am NOT
a virgin, and also for the record, it did
NOTHING to solve my problems,
it FED them.
I believe everyone has the right
to choose their own path, so damn it,
at least affirm MINE.
Now, i'd better stop this raw honesty
that peels me down to the bedrock,
because i've been warned that
people aren't READY for it, and
i've also been warned about
casting my pearls before swine, but
i sometimes have a hard time
distinguishing the pigs
until after i see what they do with it.
Yes, men are pigs, and i have
experience to prove it. Yes, i'm
chained to the same Y chromosome,
braincells saturated in testosterone,
the same thing that makes men
think with their little heads
and talk to girls' breasts instead of their faces,
the same thing that makes some men
take from other men
what no woman will willingly give them,
so, don't look at me like i'm some alien, because
we're really not that different, are we?
the only difference is, i've
found a solution . . . and if, by now,
you don't understand, who's
REALLY the April Fool in this picture?

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